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Post by Halo on May 19, 2005 18:21:07 GMT -5
Are good for the soul. Or so they say. I believe they are because I think they are a start to healing. Anyone is welcome to participate in this thread, if you feel you have anything you need to confess, get off your mind, your shoulders. But for the most part this is just something I feel I have to do. I don’t think I can heal or work on myself until I am honest with everyone and have made amends to any I have hurt. I’m not hiding behind this screen anymore. I’m not hiding behind “Halo” anymore. I am Susan. And I want to live a better life and I want to be a better person. Because of past experiences in my life, I got kind of screwed up. I’ve been more or less a shell of a person for the last year. I’ve gone about, around other people, as if everything is just wonderful. And that was wrong. Not that I would want to burden everyone with my problems, but I needed to be more “real”. I let things stay within me and build up. I didn’t pay attention to what was going on with me, I didn’t realize how really fucked up I was. I lost faith in everything. I lost faith in everyone. But mostly, I lost faith in myself. I displayed some very bad behavior and kept excusing myself with one excuse after another. I played the victim and that is so fucking wrong. I shoved my erratic and stupid behavior at another person and for that I will forever be sorry. Yes, I did have some very bad life experiences, but I cannot use that as an excuse for bad behavior or for a reason to hide myself away and be afraid to live again. I cannot use it as an excuse to just be weak. I see you all being very brave here and letting your emotions out and being able to be “real” and be yourselves. I apologize to you all for hiding behind “Halo” and not being a real person. Yes, you all have been brave and I have been such a fucking coward as I sit back and pretend I am okay and life is just peachy. I’m not okay. Life is not all that wonderful right now. But I’m realizing that it is okay to admit that. It is okay to admit that yes, I am having some problems dealing with life right now. I cannot let it just fester inside me until I hurt someone else. I’m not okay….but that’s okay. Because I can see it now, I can admit to it now. No excuses. No blaming others. Not anymore. I will not let what others did to me make in to a fucking martyr. I can choose how they made me feel. I can choose to be strong and get through this. I chose to feel bad and to hurt and to hide myself away and to give up. That was so wrong. I apologize to anyone that got in the way of my self-pity. I apologize to anyone who I mislead by putting up a false front and hiding behind it. You are all such great people here and I thank you all for being who you are and the kind of people you are. Brave and kind, open minded, caring and compassionate. I’m learning to swim people.  |
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 19, 2005 18:31:01 GMT -5
Wow..Halo.. it is amazing what we hold inside and never let out.. its amazing what we take home with us every night when we are not in front of our peers or loved ones..we are very complex creatures.. I applaud you on your post...all of us have something hidden.. all of us have something broken...if you can not be real with yourself.. you can not be real to anybody else..I think there are many layers to uncovering our hidden truths and talents..it is not easy uncovering them.. to go through the emotion is sometimes unbearable.. but it is a start.. a start to spiritually evolving...I think this is a wonderful thread.. may I ask what sparked this? YOU are brave as well. Lots of love and light to you- Love- Jennifer (Sparrow)
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Post by Nessie on May 19, 2005 19:06:56 GMT -5
I'm glad that you choose not to reply or reflect what people did to you. You change your past into something that you've learned from and trying not to do the same.
This is something that only very few people are able to do, because it requires such strength and self reflection.
I don't wanna sound super-clever, but I really think it's a great step you did!
And I'd like to add that we will all try to help you as much as we can!
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Post by Halo on May 19, 2005 19:48:03 GMT -5
Thanks guys. You really didn't need to reply though, as I posted this because it was just something I felt I needed to do. I needed to "confess" and do it in public whether it hurts or is embarassing or not. I could tell myself this, but I don't think it would have the impact within myself or help me, if I was not only honest with myself, but with everyone.
As sparrow so wisely said, if we cannot be real with ourselves, we cannot be real for anyone else. I want to be real. I want to be me again, and really like that person.
What sparked this? Well, for one thing, music did. Heh, music, the power it holds. I won't go in to detail, but the new NIN album, With Teeth, brought out feelings that I had hidden away and wouldn't face. Somehow those words were very, very personal to me and they opened my eyes to so much that was going on within me.
And also, knowing that I had been a total fuck up to someone else who never, ever deserved to have to have my shit.
It all just hit me, and I thought, "what the hell have I become?" I'd been in a fog and it finally cleared.
I'm not brave, Jennifer. I'm still very scared. It's not bravery it's just a huge "want" to make things better and I think the only way to start is to make amends, confess your weaknesses, show the real person, warts and all.....and then forge ahead.
I'm just very grateful that my eyes were opened and I now have that want inside me to heal and to grow and live and to be a better person. I had lost that "want", that drive and let myself just stagnate. I'm just glad it's back, no matter how much work I have ahead of me.
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 19, 2005 20:25:25 GMT -5
Hi Susan,
To me, you taking this step is brave.. most people dont look into themselves....we are human.. we have faults... .....I have the feeling that you are on your way to an enlightening experience and spiritual awakening..lots of wise people say that there are many levels to our inner self.. and taking away the layers to make the inner self shine is a big step.. you are well on your way.. much love to you..no matter how dark you see yourself or how dark you feel about yourself.. you still have that inner Light that shines.. we all do..and I see it in you.. even when you cant see it in yourself... I try and see it in everybody..and its hard sometimes.. but I try...because I believe that Light is there.. :)I hope you have a nice night..Love- J
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Post by Nessie on May 19, 2005 20:31:20 GMT -5
... I try and see it in everybody..and its hard sometimes.. but I try...because I believe that Light is there.. I admire that you try to see the light in everybody, because that can be a difficult undertaking and I believe that there are in fact some people that are mean...I mean really mean and evil, they don't have light in them, that's only hell's fire burning in them |
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Post by Halo on May 19, 2005 21:03:01 GMT -5
Hi Susan,
I have the feeling that you are on your way to an enlightening experience and spiritual awakening I hope so sparrow. It's too bad I had to be a total fuck up for awhile before heading on this path though. 
..lots of wise people say that there are many levels to our inner self.. and taking away the layers to make the inner self shine is a big step.. you are well on your way.. much love to you..no matter how dark you see yourself or how dark you feel about yourself.
. you still have that inner Light that shines.. we all do..and I see it in you.. even when you cant see it in yourself... I try and see it in everybody..and its hard sometimes.. but I try...because I believe that Light is there.. :)I hope you have a nice night..Love- JYou are an amazing person, sparrow. Thank you for your wisdom and your compassion. |
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Post by Halo on May 19, 2005 22:06:09 GMT -5
Oh dear god.....someone post a confession quick, so I don't feel like such a fool here. |
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Post by erishkigal on May 20, 2005 4:28:17 GMT -5
...sorry
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Post by NeonTool on May 20, 2005 4:37:26 GMT -5
Oh dear god.....someone post a confession quick, so I don't feel like such a fool here. You're no fool, it would be foolish of you not to let it all out. All of us here are willing to help you overcome whatever problems you may be facing, because I believe this board is not only about maynard and music, but also serves as a means of finding people with whom we can share our thoughts, feelings, and ideals. People we can call friends, and no matter the distance, we're all a family here, and we're all here for each other. You just have to take a look at the poetry thread, or any other for that matter, and you'll see how much this board is worth, and all the wonderful people in here, willing to share their minds and heart. It's something you made possible. We're all learning to swim, and what better way than through communication (sorry mjk, I couldn't resist ;D). About confessions, hmm, well, if I remember of something worthwhile, I'll post it  ;D |
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 20, 2005 9:40:56 GMT -5
aww..thanks Susan.... You know I believe most spiritual paths start that way... we usually go through a lot of bad things before we see the good and start a new path.. Speaking of confessions.. I dont know if I have any real confessions to make except that I have some regrets in my life..the feeling that I upset somebody or hurt a particular person.. but that was not my intention.... if that makes sense.. unfortunately Im still holding on to this.. but I have no way of really contacting this person.. because all I really need to say is Im sorry if I upset them ect..to their face.. in person..Iwould love to sit down and talk with them.. it wasnt my intention to hurt or upset this person.. but I think I did.. its something that Im trying to heal from.. the outcome of the situation ended up hurting me too..
Healing comes in a lot of forms..we hold on to the most intense things.. and sometimes.. all we need to hear are a few words.. to end a long time of sorrow and hurt...I hold on to the idea that I will meet this person one day...and I hope I do.
Nessie- I honestly think that even in mean, horrible people that that Light is still there.. they just cant see it in themselves.. if that makes sense..when I say Light I mean God's Divine Spark.. its in everyone.. its the essence of who we are.. and those that appear dark and cruel and evil.. forget that they have that Light too..if they saw it in themselves they would see it in other people .. Im not a religious person at all. .I think religion is hypocritical and it seperates.. my beliefs really arent based on the Bible or anything like that because I believe it was interpreted by Man and therefore open to misinterpretation, falsehoods and other things.. plus I think its contradictory.. I would call myself a more spiritual person.. at least Im trying to be... I dont know if what I wrote makes sense or not...lol.. but I tried to write it.
Everybody on here is amazing.. lots of Light to you all.......you all are a part of a much bigger picture..
Love- Jennifer
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Post by Nessie on May 20, 2005 15:12:21 GMT -5
.. and those that appear dark and cruel and evil.. forget that they have that Light too..if they saw it in themselves they would see it in other people .. I dont know if what I wrote makes sense or not...lol.. but I tried to write it. It made perfect sense...I guess you're right with your spiritual explanation, I didn't think about that... It's just that with some people I really have the feeling that they are not even interested in doing better, they think they are on the right side and everything's just fine I have to confess that I played with people's feelings. That is really bad, I know. I'm trying to do better! And I confess that I still can't get this guy out of my mind, although Susan told me to leave my nasty fingers off that guy ;D, because he has a girlfriend and actually I know it myself too that I have to let him go...besides I have a boyfriend, so I'm not allowed to anyways. Hugs, Agnes |
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Post by Halo on May 20, 2005 18:09:57 GMT -5
I believe this board is not only about maynard and music, but also serves as a means of finding people with whom we can share our thoughts, feelings, and ideals. People we can call friends, and no matter the distance, we're all a family here, and we're all here for each other. You just have to take a look at the poetry thread, or any other for that matter, and you'll see how much this board is worth, and all the wonderful people in here, willing to share their minds and heart. It's something you made possible. We're all learning to swim, and what better way than through communication (sorry mjk, I couldn't resist ;D). Thanks Neon. And you are right, this board has become so, so much more than just an MJK fansite. And it's because of the people here, people like you. I don't know how I got so lucky to have so many wonderful, amazing people join here, but I'm so thankful that you all did find your way here. We have the best members here of any board I have seen. We are friends and family. And I thank you all for just being the wonderful people that you are. |
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Post by Halo on May 20, 2005 18:34:23 GMT -5
the feeling that I upset somebody or hurt a particular person.. but that was not my intention.... if that makes sense.. It makes perfect sense. I happen to know exactly how you feel. unfortunately Im still holding on to this.. but I have no way of really contacting this person.. because all I really need to say is Im sorry if I upset them ect..to their face.. in person..Iwould love to sit down and talk with them.. it wasnt my intention to hurt or upset this person.. but I think I did.. its something that Im trying to heal from.. the outcome of the situation ended up hurting me too.. Healing comes in a lot of forms..we hold on to the most intense things.. and sometimes.. all we need to hear are a few words.. to end a long time of sorrow and hurt...I hold on to the idea that I will meet this person one day...and I hope I do. How would you feel if this person could not forgive you? How would you move on from that? If you absolutely cannot make amends and you know you have to live with knowing what you did to this other person and could never make it right, could not be forgiven.....how do you move on from that? How do you forgive yourself? Can you forgive yourself? That's one of the hardest hurdles for me. I don't know how you forgive yourself if you know you cannot be forgiven, or know that you do not deserve forgiveness, because of what you did. I honestly think that even in mean, horrible people that that Light is still there.. they just cant see it in themselves.. if that makes sense.. It makes very good sense. And I think it stands true not for just mean, horrible people but for generally good, decent people. I think any of us can lose sight of our light, the darkness sets in and that's when we become lost. Lots of light to you also, Jennifer. I hope you do one day are able to meet this person and put that demon away. Hugs, Susan |
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 20, 2005 19:03:24 GMT -5
Agnes..
What a wonderful name.. that is a rare one nowadays... There seems to be 100 million Jennifers walking around these days, I have grown to like my name though... I can understand with your explanation too...and whether we all know it or not.. there always seems to be some form of psychological game playing.. we all do it to one extent or another ..at least you admit to doing it... at least you are trying to be better.. so that is a positive thing.. right? We are so focused on looking at all the negative things that we have done that we cant see one inch of Light or any positivity at all.. Im guilty of it too. .I always harp myself on the could of would of should of's...Im a pro at it...but I think its important to stop once in awhile and also look at the good we have done...even if it is the most simplistic little thing. Hugs to you too Agnes:)
Susan,
That has been the hardest thing for me too...and to be honest I dont know what I would do.. its really hard to Heal from anything if you cant get the person who you feel you hurt to be involved in the healing process too... so I completely understand.. I think as long as you put it out there that you are sorry and are completely honest with yourself and them.. that that is all you can do...I think doing this would release a huge burden - just getting it out there.. I have really thought of writing a letter to this person who I think I have upset..I dont even know if they will get it or not.. but it is worth a shot...maybe sending something would help you open the door first.. and then leave it up to them to contact you... I think it depends on the person.. if the person you are sending it too sees that you are hurting and are admitting things.. maybe they will open up to that energy of needing forgiveness... I think as long as you put it out there that you are sorry.... that energy constantly goes to that person.. and it is felt on some level whether we realize it or not.. and prayer I think helps too.. I believe in that...
is there anyway that you can contact this person? I hope there is... and thank you for your thoughts concerning me.. I hope to run into him one day too.............even though a part of me is scared.. I wish to see him one day so that I can tell him. .. and I wish the same for your situation too... Lots of Light to you.........all of you... Jennifer
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;D