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Post by fairyblood on May 20, 2005 22:24:22 GMT -5
I've sort have become one of my worst pet peeves. The dreaded "so called friend." There's a person who I've been friends with for a long time, but the thing was I never wanted to be their friend to begin with. They just started hanging around me and wouldn't go away. Lately we've been drifting apart and I've been doing everything with in my power to speed it up. Such as avoiding them and pretending to be interested in someone elses conversation when they're trying to talk to me. I know it's sounds terrible, but it's much deeper than it sounds. The person is well... one of those people that you know is a good person but they have some bad personality flaws that are hard to ignore. I've tried to look past it all this time. I thought it was just a faze or something and they'd mature on there own once they did some self reflecting but after all this time they never have and I'm ready to move on. I'm just too chicken to tell them. Not only because I don't want to hurt their feelings but also because the last time I actually did ask them to leave me alone they refused. (I'm assuming they thought I was saying it because I was trying to impress people around me, but I assure yall, it wasnever like that.) So at this point I'm just trying to make them get sick of putting up with me and leave on their own. (It might even help them finally take some time to actually look at themself, if they did.) I know for a fact they've been picking up on what I'm doing and perhaps if they confronted me about it I'd finally be able to tell them that I've moved on. But I still hate that I'm a "so called friend." ... Well, I guess I'm not that bad; at least I don't try to use them or anything evil like that. I do honestly think, though, that it would be the best for both of us if we didn't hang out anymore. I hope they understand soon that they don't have to put up with me. (Just like I don't have to put up with them.)
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Post by fairyblood on May 20, 2005 22:30:12 GMT -5
Are good for the soul. Or so they say. I believe they are because I think they are a start to healing. Anyone is welcome to participate in this thread, if you feel you have anything you need to confess, get off your mind, your shoulders. But for the most part this is just something I feel I have to do. I don’t think I can heal or work on myself until I am honest with everyone and have made amends to any I have hurt. I’m not hiding behind this screen anymore. I’m not hiding behind “Halo” anymore. I am Susan. And I want to live a better life and I want to be a better person. Because of past experiences in my life, I got kind of screwed up. I’ve been more or less a shell of a person for the last year. I’ve gone about, around other people, as if everything is just wonderful. And that was wrong. Not that I would want to burden everyone with my problems, but I needed to be more “real”. I let things stay within me and build up. I didn’t pay attention to what was going on with me, I didn’t realize how really fucked up I was. I lost faith in everything. I lost faith in everyone. But mostly, I lost faith in myself. I displayed some very bad behavior and kept excusing myself with one excuse after another. I played the victim and that is so fucking wrong. I shoved my erratic and stupid behavior at another person and for that I will forever be sorry. Yes, I did have some very bad life experiences, but I cannot use that as an excuse for bad behavior or for a reason to hide myself away and be afraid to live again. I cannot use it as an excuse to just be weak. I see you all being very brave here and letting your emotions out and being able to be “real” and be yourselves. I apologize to you all for hiding behind “Halo” and not being a real person. Yes, you all have been brave and I have been such a fucking coward as I sit back and pretend I am okay and life is just peachy. I’m not okay. Life is not all that wonderful right now. But I’m realizing that it is okay to admit that. It is okay to admit that yes, I am having some problems dealing with life right now. I cannot let it just fester inside me until I hurt someone else. I’m not okay….but that’s okay. Because I can see it now, I can admit to it now. No excuses. No blaming others. Not anymore. I will not let what others did to me make in to a fucking martyr. I can choose how they made me feel. I can choose to be strong and get through this. I chose to feel bad and to hurt and to hide myself away and to give up. That was so wrong. I apologize to anyone that got in the way of my self-pity. I apologize to anyone who I mislead by putting up a false front and hiding behind it. You are all such great people here and I thank you all for being who you are and the kind of people you are. Brave and kind, open minded, caring and compassionate. I’m learning to swim people. I give you a mental hug. And some over used but good advise: Always try your best to look on the bright side.
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Post by Halo on May 20, 2005 22:47:16 GMT -5
I think you should write that letter, Jennifer. Like you said, it is worth a shot. At least you would have some comfort in knowing that you did something, trying to get your apology through. I wish you the best. My situation is a little different. I have apologized. And, well, I apologized and then fell back in to the same bevahior. So, I do understand that my apology now would be hard to see as real. I think some fuck ups are forever. I just don't know how I can learn to live with knowing what a total fuck up I was. On the other hand......being that I've already bared my soul to you guys, I might as well bare my complete dorkiness too. I've cried more in this last year than you can imagine. But yesterday and last night, I swear I cried more tears than all the days of the entire last year put together. But this morning........I woke up and felt good. (Even after only 3 hours sleep!) Better than I have felt in a long, long time. I know you have good days and bad days, but this morning was different. It wasn't just a "good day". It felt different somehow. I think because I finally am out of the fog and even knowing that I have a lot of work ahead me, I at least know, really know, what work needs to be done. After being finally, completely honest with myself and realizing and awakening to the feelings I had hidden inside me.....I can now start working on me. So, this morning I felt it. It was like that saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". I had this thought that today, I start my journey. It will be a tough one, but thank whatever, for this awakening, I can now begin. And that's a good feeling. So....to get to my complete dorkiness, after waking up and coming downstairs, heading for the kitchen, I had this song in my head, but wasn't paying much attention to it, then I suddenly realized it was the theme song for the damn Mary Tyler Moore show was what was running through my head!. All I could do was laugh and then I actually sang it out loud......."You're gonna make it after all". LMAO! (And then of course I pictured Mary throwing her hat in the air) It was so bizarre because I haven't watched any TV in almost a year, so it's not like I had just recently heard that song. But I have to admit, it made me smile. (And this is another problem I seriously have to work on. As you can see, I can never just make a short point, it always has to end up a long-ass ramble. ) You know though.......maybe once I get through all this, I won't be a rambler anymore. Maybe my incessant rambling over the last year was necessary to get me to this point. Oooooh, my rambling days may eventually come to an end. That's something to look forward to.
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Post by fairyblood on May 20, 2005 22:55:38 GMT -5
Congrats. I really hope things work out ok for you. I haven't watched any TV in almost a year, Well, who could blame you for that? Have you seen the crap that's been on lately ? ? ? Ick
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Post by Halo on May 20, 2005 23:00:39 GMT -5
No, actually I haven't fairy. Since I don't watch it, the only tidbits I get of what is on, is hearing co-workers discuss different shows.
But I do remember what crap was on when I used to watch TV. I'm sure it hasn't changed much, or probably it has actually gotten worse.
I have not had one day where I have missed TV at all.
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Post by fairyblood on May 20, 2005 23:07:28 GMT -5
(From an interview with Maynard) "Shhh! Paris is buying a new hat!"
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Post by Halo on May 20, 2005 23:12:07 GMT -5
(From an interview with Maynard) "Shhh! Paris is buying a new hat!" Oh, that was Danny's (from .org) interview. I remember that. It was especially funny since the interview was done via e-mail. Holy crap I love that guy's sense of humor.
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Post by fairyblood on May 20, 2005 23:21:39 GMT -5
Yeah. That was great. My personal favorite line from that interview was: "I’ve been very clear about this and have been since before most of you could even reach the keyboard to type your complaints about “direction.” "
...as a matter of fact... (Runs to the quotes thread.)
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Post by Halo on May 20, 2005 23:25:59 GMT -5
*runs after to fairy to the quote thread*
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 21, 2005 10:40:54 GMT -5
Thank you Susan.. that was sweet of you. Sometimes crying gets a lot of excess energy out.. Im glad your day started off good. I dont have a lot of time but I will try to be back later to write more.
Love- Jennifer
ps..Have a good day everybody!
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Post by Halo on May 21, 2005 11:51:29 GMT -5
I give you a mental hug. And some over used but good advise: Always try your best to look on the bright side. Thanks fairy....many hugs to you also. But I still hate that I'm a "so called friend." ... Well, I guess I'm not that bad; at least I don't try to use them or anything evil like that. I do honestly think, though, that it would be the best for both of us if we didn't hang out anymore. I hope they understand soon that they don't have to put up with me. (Just like I don't have to put up with them.) No, you're not bad at all. Like you said, you're not using this person or trying to hurt them. You're just kind of stuck in a bad situation. You did say that "perhaps if they confronted you" you'd be able to tell them you've moved on. I know it's very hard to be the "confronter" as you feel you are the bad guy then. But we can't always expect someone else to do the confronting so that it makes it easier for us. I think you should tell this person how you feel. I know you want them to leave on their own, but that's not really fair to you or the other person. I know some people would say that writing a letter would be a cop out and that you should always do these things in person, but I don't think that is always the case. Sometimes you can express yourself much better and get more out by writing your feelings. I think it would be a good idea to write this person a letter, letting them know exactly how you feel. You may feel like the "bad guy" for doing this, but I think you would be the good guy by being completely honest. I think you would be sparing this person's feelings more by being honest rather than just hoping things will go away by themselves and leaving this person with no answers. I know you don't want to hurt this person's feelings, but by avoiding the situation and just hoping it will go away soon, is only hurting you and them even more than if you were just honest and sever the ties immediately. It's like ripping off a band-aid....do it quickly....it's a lot less painful. Take care fairy. All my best to you.
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Post by fairyblood on May 21, 2005 13:35:53 GMT -5
Thanks a lot. I'll think about what you said. A letter does sound like a good idea since you put it that way. I might do that.
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Post by Nessie on May 22, 2005 16:01:32 GMT -5
Agnes.. What a wonderful name.. that is a rare one nowadays... There seems to be 100 million Jennifers walking around these days, I have grown to like my name though... aawww Jennifer, thank you so much...it's really a rare name. But believe me, over here, Jennifer is at least as rare as Agnes. Besides, I like the name Jennifer really a lot, sounds great! Hugs to you too and thank you for your understanding words, Agnes
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 22, 2005 19:13:31 GMT -5
No problem Agnes... Since I was curious about your name I looked up the meaning and this is what I found: Latinized form of the Greek name Hagne, derived from Greek hagnos meaning "chaste". Saint Agnes was a virgin martyred under Roman emperor Diocletian. The name became associated with Latin agnus "lamb", resulting in the saint's frequent depiction with a lamb by her side. I thought that was interesting... My name means : [Old French form of the Welsh name Gwenhwyfar, which is composed of the elements gwen meaning "fair, white" "white wave" "fair spirit" and hwyfar meaning "smooth". In Arthurian legend she is the beautiful wife of King Arthur. Her betrayal of her husband with Mordred prompted the battle of Camlann, which led to the deaths of both Mordred and Arthur. Later versions of the legends tell of her adulterous affair with Sir Lancelot. LoL looks like Im a little adulterous.. and ps... Susan... Im going to start my letter next week...I have nothing to loose at this point.. so Im hoping he will get it and give me a call... thats all a want.. just a chance. I hope things are going well with you... and everybody..Im here for you guys if you need me:) Have a great night everybody!
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Post by Halo on May 22, 2005 21:16:24 GMT -5
Susan... Im going to start my letter next week...I have nothing to loose at this point.. so Im hoping he will get it and give me a call... thats all a want.. just a chance. I hope things are going well with you... and everybody..Im here for you guys if you need me:) Oh Jennifer, I'm so happy for you that you are going to give it a try!! I hope you get your chance and he contacts you so that you can heal from this. My thoughts are with you. I wish I hadn't blown my chance. We're all here for you too, dear!
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