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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 23, 2005 10:52:38 GMT -5
Thank you Susan My thoughts are with you too and I hope that you can be given a second chance... ya never know.. the day might come around when you least expect it...we can always hope ..right? hope is a powerful thing.. Have a great day all.. !!........Talk to you all later! Love-J
ps..I have a feeling if I write it...it will relieve some of my pent up emotion...have you thought of writing a letter Susan...? even after all this time.. I think you should do it too... What have we got to lose? its worth a shot...........
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Post by Halo on May 23, 2005 18:29:38 GMT -5
Well Jennifer, I've been busy. Here's is what I've done: 1. I wrote to every one of my exes brothers and sisters (he has 8) and his parents. I haven't talked to any of them in a year. I have felt bad about that, even though no one bothered to contact me. But this stuff happens in divorce. I sent each one apologizing for not being in contact but explaining that I felt doing so would put them in the middle, which I didn't want. I felt that if I did have contact it would end up being a conversation of he said/she said, and I never wanted that either. (They know that he has drug addictions and is an alcoholic. They know he was abusive. I didn't feel it necessary to tell them anything they didn't already know that he had done to hurt me, or things that he had done that by telling them would really hurt them. I pretty much left it at, I'll be the bad guy.) I told them how much I cared for them and always will. I wished them all the best and hoped they were all well and happy. I told them I did care about their brother and wanted the best for him and asked them to take good care of him. I felt I needed to have some closure with that family. There never was any. I feel better knowing that I did reach out to them and let them know that I cared. Whether anyone will respond....I don't know. But I do feel better that I send them my best wishes. 2. I contacted my ex. He's not doing well. Drinking much more than ever. Even though I could never live with this man again, I once again, offered my help. I offered to go with him to counselling, I offered to help him get in to rehab and help him through that. I begged him to see a doctor (his liver is in bad shape). He refused everything. He still says he can do it on his own. He's been saying that for years and years. I will be here if he changes his mind and give him whatever help he needs, but there isn't a lot more I can do. But I did want to let him know that even though we could never get back together, I still cared that he was well and wished for him to get some help. I wanted him to know that I was still willing to help. But I got nowhere. 3. I sent that apology to the person that I really was a fuck up to. I know I won't hear anything. I don't want a "second chance", I just wish my apology could be accepted. Although, I really don't think I can be forgiven. It would be nice to be able to start healing from that, but I don't think that's going to happen. This is going to be the toughest part. I can follow this path and continue to work hard and grow and learn and become a better person. But this....I just am having a hell of a time forgiving myself. 4. I took charge of myself, just a little bit today. I have a tendency to let people walk all over me. I'm not able to say no to anyone. It's very good to help others and I try to do that as much as I can, but you know when others are taking advantage of you. And I would let them. Today, I said no to two people. I know that doesn't sound like a good thing. But it really was. I needed to start standing up for myself. The two people I said no to today are very much users and I finally stood up for myself and said no. Not a big deal, but it made me feel just a little bit stronger. 5. I called around today and finally found a very good support group for people who have lived with addicts. I didn't want to go to Al-Anon as I feel they are too religious based for me. I wanted someplace I could work on me and not sing the praises of religion, if that makes any sense. To me, I felt that using religion is just another excuse, another crutch and that is not what I wanted. I wanted to work on me with no excuses, no crutches. I found a group that is lead by a woman whose husband OD'd many years ago and since has been helping others who have lived with what she did. She told me the group also has incest survivors. Wow....two for the price of one! Anyway.....it sounds like a good group and I think it will do me wonders to be able to talk to others who maybe have the same mixed up, fucked up feelings and emotions that I have. That is my progress report. Jennifer, I am so glad you are thinking of writing that letter, even if just to release that pent up emotion. At least releasing that will lead to a much healthier emotional person. And like you said, who knows what can happen.....maybe you will get a reply and get that needed healing. I'll be think of you and always wishing you the best. (p.s. Hope is one of those things I need to work on. Kinda lost that when I lost my faith in me. But I'm looking forward to regaining much of what I lost throughout this journey I am on. I am determined to make it happen.) Giant hugs to you and all the board.
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 25, 2005 19:39:02 GMT -5
Susan..
Wow.. that is amazing! Do you feel better that you have written those letters..? I hope that you do. Im starting mine tomorrow...and I hope that I can express all that I want to say. I am very happy that you wrote those letters.
I think it is amazing that you contacted your ex and offered to help him. That was very kind of you to do..even though he refused your help.. the fact that you offered to be there is very thoughtful and spiritually minded.. in my opinion..it takes such a person to do that.
I also think it is amazing that you found a support group.. I am soooo proud of you.. I really am...you are trying to better yourself and just be a better person and for that Im touched. You might not realize it..but just sharing that makes you an inspiration to anybody else who may be reading and posting.. or just reading and not posting at all...you really should be proud of yourself.
Sometimes you have to let things go..put what you can out there and let the cosmos deal with it. Thanks for sharing all that you have done and Im sorry it took me awhile to get back to the forum.. its been a crazy couple of days for me...but I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you...and you should be proud of yourself... you have done a lot in the last couple of days that people take their whole lifetime to do...lots of love and smiles to you and wish nothing but the best for you. At this point.. Hope is everywhere for you.. and that is a good thing. Love -Jennifer
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Post by Halo on May 25, 2005 21:05:23 GMT -5
Jennifer, thank you for your kind words. You're very sweet and I appreciate your support tremendously.
I received one response from my letters to my ex-family. One of my ex-brother-in-laws wrote back and was very kind. I really don't expect anyone else to reply. It's a very tight-knit family and well, I'm the outsider now. But that's okay. I feel much better that I let them know how I felt and that I told them I cared about them.
My offering to help my ex served two purposes and one I'm afraid is a selfish one. Yes, I did want to, one more time, see if he would get help. But I also still had guilt feelings over the fact that I never could help him and had to leave. I needed to try one last time, not just for him, but for me also.
I start the group next week and I am looking forward to it. Just to be able to talk to people who may have the same feelings that I have and had. (Like the guilt ones and more)
I may have done a lot in the last couple days, Jennifer. But it took me a year to get to it. But that's okay. I'm glad I'm finally moving forward.
Good luck with your letter. Keep me posted.
Thanks for sticking with me Jennifer. Your words and encouragement help me to continue on. Thank you.
Hugs, Susan
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Post by fairyblood on May 26, 2005 11:37:59 GMT -5
Thanks fairy....many hugs to you also. No, you're not bad at all. Like you said, you're not using this person or trying to hurt them. You're just kind of stuck in a bad situation. You did say that "perhaps if they confronted you" you'd be able to tell them you've moved on. I know it's very hard to be the "confronter" as you feel you are the bad guy then. But we can't always expect someone else to do the confronting so that it makes it easier for us. I think you should tell this person how you feel. I know you want them to leave on their own, but that's not really fair to you or the other person. I know some people would say that writing a letter would be a cop out and that you should always do these things in person, but I don't think that is always the case. Sometimes you can express yourself much better and get more out by writing your feelings. I think it would be a good idea to write this person a letter, letting them know exactly how you feel. You may feel like the "bad guy" for doing this, but I think you would be the good guy by being completely honest. I think you would be sparing this person's feelings more by being honest rather than just hoping things will go away by themselves and leaving this person with no answers. I know you don't want to hurt this person's feelings, but by avoiding the situation and just hoping it will go away soon, is only hurting you and them even more than if you were just honest and sever the ties immediately. It's like ripping off a band-aid....do it quickly....it's a lot less painful. Take care fairy. All my best to you. I did it. They took it exactly the way I thought they'd take it. ...Which means that I'm not going to hear the end of it for a while and they'll be doing all sorts of little things to get back at me or make me change my mind. (Which is already starting.) But I'm still glad I did it. Thanks for the advise Halo. (hugs)
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Post by Halo on May 26, 2005 13:05:38 GMT -5
If you said everything you needed to say in the letter, then there shouldn't be any reason for you to have to talk to this person. I'm sure you made your feelings clear and that's what needed to be done.
Glad you feel better at least. I hope everything works out for you and this person doesn't give you too much trouble. I'm sure they are probably hurting a bit too and needs time to get over it.
Hugs back at ya.
H.
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 26, 2005 18:51:44 GMT -5
Hi Susan ..
Susan.. Thank you for the sweet words as well. Im just really proud of you.. it takes a lot to do what you did and even though it took you a year.. the most important thing is that you are moving forward. Please keep me posted on things too. Im glad that you heard a response from somebody... It seems that things are looking up for you and dont worry if you feel that helping your ex was selfish reason.. to be honest with you.. I didnt think it was a selfish reason at all..you were trying to make the situation better because you felt guilty for not having tried to help him last time.. but the important thing is is that you are offering to help him now and you tried and for that.. I applaud you. I will mos def keep you update on what happens with my letter...Im hoping with all my heart that I hear from him. ...Love- J:)
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Post by voiceofgod on May 28, 2005 6:31:14 GMT -5
Ok just found this thread. Halo (susie q) you are very brave and apparently strong to do that. Nobody here needs an apologize. You didn't put up a wall to hide or hurt anybody; you did it without knowing it, but now that you admit it and see there's a problem you can fix it and that is all it takes. I hope everything gets better. Life gets fucked up for everybody sometimes. I mean look at me. At the beginning of the year. I got thrown out of my house with no where to go. The house I moved into had no working heater for three weeks. My car broke down. My bank made an error resulting in 6 or 700 dollars being charged to my account. My dog died and my girlfriend on and off since 8th grade completely cut all ties with me. And so one night I got drunk and almost killed myself. But I didn't because my friend talked my throughout and held my hand while I picked up the pieces. Now I have a new car I just met this awesome girl and everything is going smoothly. If you had said four months ago life would be this good I would have smacked you. But it does get better. It has to. You're too good of a person to get rained on everyday. Good things will come your way and when they do you'll realize it was all just a test of your strength. And you are strong so I know you can do it. In the meantime, your friends, all of us, here will always be able to take your hand and help you stand on your feet and kick the fucking door down on this bullshit. LET'S TAKE THE WORLD BY THE HORNS AND SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I think this is like the first serious thing I've posted in a long time... Ok now for my usually humor: If you ever see a midget in a diving suit soaked with pickle juice, and it turns you on, then you're alright with me........... hahaha WOW that was random. ;D
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 28, 2005 9:44:31 GMT -5
Did anybody ever tell you, you have a gift VOG.. ? I see it in you the more I read your posts.. its there... :)did you ever think that you went through those things to help Susan with the things she is going through now? ponder on it for a moment:) I think as crappy as the situation you were in was.. you had the most amazing experience..and in that experience youve learned something.. I cant really explain it..I cant put my finger on it.. but its something that I feel... Im glad that you are still here and you have a lot to offer more than you realize ..ah! I just thought of the word that was eluding me.. your gift from the situation is offering people HOPE.. thats it.. HOPE:) at least that is the way I see it:) lots of love to you all- Sparrow
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Post by voiceofgod on May 28, 2005 9:50:19 GMT -5
... Im glad that you are still here and you have a lot to offer more than you realize hmmmm i don't know about that. i just hate seeing people down so i make jokes. no big deal. there's a lot more people here more capable of the "hope" thing.
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Post by SparrowsSoliloquy on May 28, 2005 10:29:22 GMT -5
Well then your gift is lifting people up by cracking jokes:) Very cool!
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Post by Halo on May 28, 2005 10:49:12 GMT -5
Hi Susan ..
It seems that things are looking up for you and dont worry if you feel that helping your ex was selfish reason.. to be honest with you.. I didnt think it was a selfish reason at all..you were trying to make the situation better because you felt guilty for not having tried to help him last time No, that's not it Jennifer. I tried for years to help him. The guilt feelings came from leaving. I felt, and still sometimes do, feel guilty because I finally got to a point where I felt I couldn't save him, so I had to save myself. Talking to him this last time did make me feel somewhat better. Although I wish he would have accepted the offer of help and I wish he was trying to help himself, I realized leaving wasn't as selfish as I felt. I made me realize that there really isn't anything more I could have done for him and that doing something for myself and removing myself from that life, wasn't such a horrible thing to do. VOG: Thank you dear. You always make me smile. I'm still having problems with hope. But I think the more you smile, the easier that will come. Thanks for the smiles you've always given me. You are special, I realized that when you first came here and I've always been glad that you are here. (Except for that one flaw of yours.....supporting Bush. ;D) I'm so happy for you that your life has taken a new path and you are in a good place now. I guess in a way that does give me some kind of hope that one day I'll be able to say that life is wonderful too.
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Post by voiceofgod on May 28, 2005 10:50:37 GMT -5
ok first: muah!
second: you just had to bring up Bush, huh?
the war is on!!!
haha just kidding.
hey i love to make you laugh and smile so anytime, k?
xoxoxox
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Post by Nessie on May 28, 2005 12:14:18 GMT -5
I guess in a way that does give me some kind of hope that one day I'll be able to say that life is wonderful too. Life IS wonderful, Susan! It just has a lot of ups and downs in it, but there will always be this point where it'll go up again, I really believe in this! It is important to remember the good things and the things that make you happy! Anyways...I hope you can feel it again real soon...
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Post by voiceofgod on May 28, 2005 12:15:43 GMT -5
I have a small confession of my own..................
keep going
keep going
almost there
I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!
oh and also my unlce harry molested me. but it's cool he's in jail now. haha j/k ;D
*wink*
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