|
|
Post by Nyarlathotep on Feb 19, 2005 13:14:30 GMT -5
I really enjoyed your poem "Positive," voiceofgod. The only line that kind of doesn't fit is "On the plus side dimness is gone." The phrase "on the plus side" sticks out and I feel it doesn't belong in the poem. Again, that's just my opinion, and it's your work and you don't have to take my advice. I don't want appear bossy.
|
|
|
|
Post by voiceofgod on Feb 19, 2005 13:19:18 GMT -5
I really enjoyed your poem "Positive," voiceofgod. The only line that kind of doesn't fit is "On the plus side dimness is gone." The phrase "on the plus side" sticks out and I feel it doesn't belong in the poem. Again, that's just my opinion, and it's your work and you don't have to take my advice. I don't want appear bossy. I thought somebody would comment on that line. It's not meant as "in addition to" or "the good news is" It means on the plus side as in "the positive side of the energy spectrum". So on the positive side dimness is gone. I just didn't want to word it that way. It is kind of weird, but oh well. Glad you liked it!!! Thanks for the input! ;D |
|
|
|
Post by Halo on Feb 19, 2005 13:42:35 GMT -5
I understand what you meant by that line, but I have to agree with Nyarlathotep....it just doesn't seem to fit "the tone" of the rest of the poem.
Don't get me wrong, loved the poem (as I do all of your writing) but that line is just seems to stop the flow of the poem.
Sorry to add my .02, I hope you don't mind.
|
|
|
|
Post by Nyarlathotep on Feb 19, 2005 13:43:10 GMT -5
Sirius Rising
8-20-2004
Little golden mushroom spaceship
Floating above the trees
In the wee hours of Earth’s morning
Take me with you, please
How I wish to be among the frog people
Their underwater castles gleaming
Like mermaids’ tails as they dance to dolphin songs
Something tells me I’m not dreaming
When is the end of eternity?
You say, “My dear, it’s never!
Like grains of sand or my love for you
We cannot measure forever”<br>
Sirius, our blue sun, rises and sets
Yet time has no meaning here
The moons cast their reflections on the water
As they have for millions of years
We shall make love on the twilight shore
Eons and eons after our death
Incense smoke twirls around your head
Like the Fire Dragon’s breath
Your kiss is so intoxicating
Like the perfume of tropical flowers
We’ll find shelter under a banana tree
During the afternoon showers
Hand in hand we’ll walk through verdant valleys
Where the centaurs and unicorns graze
And chase silver winged fairies through violet fields
On sunny spring and summer days
When the Ice Dragon sends her bitter frost
To turn green into crystal white
We’ll hibernate with wolves in forest caves
The winter becomes our night
All this and more shall be ours, my love
When this lifetime we dearly depart
Until then, cherish the present time
And keep the future in your heart
|
|
|
|
Post by Halo on Feb 19, 2005 13:58:17 GMT -5
Mmmmmm....that one was dreamy, Nyarlathotep. I want to go there.  |
|
|
|
Post by Halo on Feb 19, 2005 14:17:19 GMT -5
This was written years ago. When the idea of meeting at a place like this was new and seemed, well, rather odd and out of place. It was during my first involvement with a message board (the old Manson board). Although I met several very good friends, ones who remain friends to this day, through that board, in the beginning it was a bit uncomfortable and very strange to me.
I'm much more comfortable with the internet and cyber space now. And as wonderful as it is to meet people from all over the country/the world who share the same interests, to make new friends via this place and throughout the internet, it should never completely replace "real life".
The internet is an amazing tool, yet along with these cyber meeting places, we all still need personal (not cyber) interaction and human (not electronic) touch.
ABSTRACT HUMANITY[/b]
This world is cold
Remote and listless
The subtle flecks of existence
Lost in space and distance
And yet the gathering
Happens day and night
Or maybe night and day
Depending on geography
Pop-up windows and usernames
Take the place of doors and waves
Conversations ready made
Scrolling up and down the page
The thread you see means nothing
Whatever is said means nothing
Whoever is there means nothing
Yet we'll say these things have meaning
The dance is always out of sync
Since no one knows the steps
Yet it all seems to have rhythm
Because here we all look the same
The chatroom waltz of anonymity
The line dance of creativity
The freedom to be who we wish to be
But we're surely missing something
My kingdom for an awkward pause
Broken by a sideways glance
And a sudden nervous giggle
When did chemistry involve QWERTY?
This world had pushed us to the brink
When this is the place we'd rather be
Did you come out here through boredom
Or hoping you'd find me (waiting)?
I can offer you instant validation
I can provide you with reassurance
I can agree with everything you say
Because out here it's easier that way
So alone we'll seek out anything
How do we maintain our humanity
When colons and parentheses
Pass for smiles?
|
|
|
|
Post by Halo on Feb 19, 2005 14:33:12 GMT -5
And this:
Chat Rooms[/size]
Life is a Box
Screen reloading
Waiting for someone
To come and talk
I'm in the room
Not your room
But a room
Within your room
Inside the box
On your desk
Upon the floor
In your lap
Wherever you want
This is easy
Life is hard
But we can chat about it
Let the problems fly
In little windows
Of scrolling lines
Fast friends speak
Knowing they may never meet
Send me your picture
So I can see your face
As I read your words
And pretend it's really you
|
|
|
|
Post by Nyarlathotep on Feb 19, 2005 14:43:23 GMT -5
Those were both really cool, Halo. I especially liked "Abstract Humanity." It's easy to forget that despite the wonders of modern technology, we still need physical contact. Thank you for posting them.
Also, thank you for commenting on my poem "Sirius Rising." Before I named it that, I just referred to it as "the trippy poem." ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by Nyarlathotep on Feb 21, 2005 11:58:29 GMT -5
I thought this poem was appropriate to post now, given the current circumstances and my lack of sanity. I can't remember when I first wrote it; it may have been late 2003 or early 2004.
A Poem for M.
Medicated to remove you from my mind
All that I believed in has been cast aside
You called me the brightest star in your sky
Now you’ve abandoned me here to die
Anxious to finally learn the truth
Reeling from the horrors of your youth
Dejected to find you weren’t talking to me
Just that everything was my fantasy
Another lover I search for in vain
Moving on to discover more sorrow and pain
Ethereal voices try to comfort and guide
Solitude consumes me from deep inside
Karma is to blame for this, I am sure
Even demons get a second chance to be pure
Eternal love is only an illusion
No one has that much devotion
As I take one last arduous breath
Night falls upon the oblivious Earth
|
|
|
|
Post by Halo on Feb 21, 2005 20:49:01 GMT -5
You are very talented and creative Alida and have a wonderful way with words.
I'm curious about these lines:
"Karma is to blame for this, I am sure
Even demons get a second chance to be pure"
What is karma to be blamed for and why?
And I'm assuming the second chance is for you. Second chance at what? Love?
|
|
|
|
Post by Nyarlathotep on Feb 21, 2005 21:09:14 GMT -5
You are very talented and creative Alida and have a wonderful way with words. Thank you. What I am saying in those two lines is that somehow, I must have pissed someone off a lot or wronged someone in a horrible way in a past life, because I have found very little happiness in this life. Karma is to blame for my lack of a love life and the bitterness that accompanies the emptiness inside. In the second line, I am wondering why I have been punished for past lives, when even demons or dark spirits get second chances to become pure beings of light. |
|
|
|
Post by Halo on Feb 21, 2005 21:40:03 GMT -5
I understand, Alida. And I'm sorry to have had you drag out bad feelings.
I doubt you are being punished Alida, although I know sometimes it can feel that way. Maybe if you worked on letting go of the bitterness, happiness would come a little more easily?
As far as second chances.....well, I think we all just have to make our own second chances. I don't think they are just given to us, we have to give them to ourselves. We have to not be so tough on ourselves, love ourselves and give ourselves a second chance.
|
|
|
|
Post by voiceofgod on Feb 22, 2005 8:27:08 GMT -5
I understand what you meant by that line, but I have to agree with Nyarlathotep....it just doesn't seem to fit "the tone" of the rest of the poem. Don't get me wrong, loved the poem (as I do all of your writing) but that line is just seems to stop the flow of the poem. Sorry to add my .02, I hope you don't mind. I don't mind at all. Just consider that line as a metaphor for me in society. I stop the general flow and don't go along with anything. That's how we'll justify it!! LOL |
|
|
|
Post by Halo on Feb 22, 2005 23:38:25 GMT -5
I stop the general flow and don't go along with anything. That's how we'll justify it!! LOL I like that justification!  |
|
|
|
Post by moneyisevil on Feb 23, 2005 14:51:41 GMT -5
You never believe what you say
You never believe what you say
I wish you did.
You could build something full tact, strong enough to hold a million tons
All upon your back.
You’re existence baffles you but if also baffles me.
In a question lie a million answers
Only a thousand riddles that aren’t to solve us
For you see what binds me
And what dissolves the sea
Is the very light that carries me.
And it will carry you too.
Caught in a one sided argument I can not fight
Shit the shadows shift again.
The hoarse voice is tiring.
The milligrams add up.
Someone will show you.
Someone will show you.
Possibly the chance has faded
-------------
Please give me feedback.........
|
|
