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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 16, 2005 10:29:36 GMT -5
HAHAHA If I had been there I would have yelled some shit. I love it when people just flip out and it comes from out of no where. That guy probably won't help and tried to commit suicide. LMAO
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Post by TheAnomicSoul on Mar 17, 2005 3:35:13 GMT -5
Here's a little something I've been working on. Past relationships have almost killed me inside. This is how I've been feeling of late. You cut me deep inside to the point that I'm unable to feel the pain. Anguish caused by a love that I will never be able to fulfill. My pained mindset causes me heartache, trying to work through this and you are not understanding. Is there contentment? Why do I offer? My alter is empty, no more offerings. No more of the sacrificing my pain to others joy. It will find me, the light is there, you burned your candle from both ends. Cannot fix you, you need to fix youself. Thought love would cure, yet it just died. Your loss, someone elses gain. No more pain. I can relate to those thoughts so much. I've had bad relationships in the past as well so that's why I like it. Very good writing.
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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 17, 2005 17:20:58 GMT -5
I wrote this when I woke up this morning.
I silently brush the hair from my eyes as I wake to greet the lusterless day before me. I am hungry, but eating now would only make it worse later. I am late as usually. I swear my own funeral would be delayed with this type of effort. This daily race is held together by very thin thread and yet I am still here sacrificing nothing short of my own blood. I dream of dancing hurricanes and playful funnel clouds. It seems only while among the choatic am I truly relaxed and able to put the drama down. I judge this daily let down with blinders on. I am stiff and out of wind and unable to focus on anything but falling into deep slumber. Maybe I will give this up. Maybe this day will hold the end to my bellowings. The sun is fully hibernated by the clouds that bring the bad news of moisture. I will walk out, chest elated, thoughts sporadic, and fully posed to endure the next 10 hours with complete and total reassurance that this day will end eventually. My only beacon of truth comes from the realization that I have endured worse and most likely this will turn out to be a decent disguise for a good day.
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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 18, 2005 16:41:42 GMT -5
my brain is itching like a thousand insects are pouncing on my every thought. i wish this memory would cease and i could feel the comfort of forgetfullness. i am fully aware of the damage sulking causes. i believe the only peace will come from the pounding dream of a bullet slicing through my nightmares.
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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 18, 2005 17:31:02 GMT -5
This lie is cutting thick through the cake walk that is life. Whip another batch of cookies to encompass the truth. The truth of the cake we are forced to dissolve. The cake they shove into a tiny opening we call the skull cave. They want us fat. They want us hyper. It's easy to lose track when nerves jitter. They like us shaking. We derail any train of thought as they put more icing on the tracks. All the while the conductor is yelling "All Aboard!!", and we foolishly believe he is a nice guy. And in between each scoop of coal he slides into the engine, he grunts at us as he marks us with the red hot poker that makes us never forget this life.
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Post by xxxxSTINKFISTxxxx on Mar 21, 2005 2:06:33 GMT -5
Well ive been sitting in my room for 13 hours stright and ive done nothing but listen to music so i thought now would be a good time to do a little free wrighting. Just as a warning i tend to ramble and write alot more then i plan to.
Feeling so empty inside as always, i found myself begging for depression today to aid my writing. I mean surely nothing good can come out of being depressed but you can always create very touching works of art weather it be drawing or writing. I still wonder how someone could base there whole life in religion, i mean look at nuns and such they give up there desire, there home, there life to worship some fake god. I mean there were hundreds of relegions before christ came so what makes that one so right? I think people just need something to belive in and it makes alot of people get through there everyday lives if they think they are accomplishing something and that they will get something good out of it. I dont know but i guess if it makes someone happy it shouldnt be questioned just let them have there hope. I sit and wish everyday that people would just be themselves, what they see on tv. is the illousion, its created for every person to see how things "should be" when in real life everyone should be excepted. Ive had so many bad relationships and every one of them ended in the girl finds a better looking guy (wich isnt hard to do in my case) and shes in love with him for about 2 weeks until the next guy comes around. Men are just as bad, tell the girl what she wants to hear and you get in her pants simple as that, then after you find a better looking girl the other one doesnt matter. Its not true for everyone of course but still a very common thing for people. Its odd but with so many girls i get a really sick feeling inside that makes me push myself away, ive stayed single and hav rejected every girl for over a year now, for every girl ive seen that feeling comes in and i cant be with them. Its hard to explain but its basicaly someone is twisting up my guts inside until i back away,i tend to think mybe its because theres someone out there for me i will feel love for and not this sickness. Its kinda odd when you think about it and read it, its a sickness that keeps me from love wich is just what ive wanted, but yet inside i want nothing more then to be with someone. For once just be with someone who will feel the same for me, just be with someone who doesnt need all those fake illousions forced into there heads. Oh well my memories are all i have, at least i can fantasize , probly the best tool ever invented is your brain, well ive rambled to much.
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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 21, 2005 7:18:49 GMT -5
And the truth shall set you free!! I can relate to EVERY word Fist. The whole sickness in your stomach is exactly how I would've described it. Good free write!
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Post by Halo on Mar 21, 2005 12:57:41 GMT -5
Very nice freewrite Paul. I stay alone mainly out of fear. After being in a marriage where everything about me was taken away, I fear that happening again. I couldn't be myself. Any of my passions were ridiculed. My love for music, my interest in politics, even something as trivial as my love of tattoos. I was always put down and I ended up hiding myself. I hid myself for a long time, while attending to another person's addictions. My life became all about "fixing" him even if it meant I had to put myself away. I let him dump his garbage in to me and I kept it. I let him take his own hatred for himself out on me and I took it. I eventually completely lost myself. I was in his world and only his world. I had no life of my own. I finally realized after the last really bad hurt, that you cannot fix someone who does not want to be fixed. You cannot save someone who doesn't care about being saved. I wanted to help him, but you can only take being pushed away so many times. It hurts me and saddens me deeply to realize the empty shell of a person I became. A person who lost all self worth. After being molested more than once as a child, beaten and sent to the hospital by a man attempting to rob me and then being in this very difficult marriage......it all took it's toll on me, it all came crashing down on me and the past wanted to haunt me. It tried to reinforce the feelings that I am worthless. I was just here to be used. Now, I am alone and independent and I know that I am a strong person for finally coming out the other end. I've had set backs, but I believe in myself again. I like myself and I like that feeling. I've gotten a bit off track here....but what all this has done to me has left me with a fear of losing myself again. I did just that not too long ago, and I hate myself for it. I fell backwards and I am having a hard time forgiving myself for doing that. I stay alone not because I cannot compromise. Not because I cannot "give and take". A relationship has to have some compromise and lots of give and take. I'm a very giving person, it always means more to me than taking. I'd rather give than receive. I enjoy giving. But I still fear that someone will want to take away the essence of me, take away my spirit and want to mold me in to what makes them happy. I will not allow myself to be molded in to someone I am not ever again. I don't like not being loved by someone. Yet I am comfortable with myself and being alone. And yet again, some nights are very lonely and the only thing you want is someone to hold you. I just don't want that hold to become a strangle. Sometimes I listen to The Fragile and Trent sings, "I won't let you fall apart". And I think, "no, I want someone who will let me feel apart. I don't want to be the strong one all the time. I want to just fall apart and have someone understand and just be there and hold me while I fall apart, let me be weak for a few minutes and know someone is there to hold me. And then I can be strong again." My love for music is one of the most important things in my life, and that was taken away from me for a long time. I had to hide it instead of revel in it. I had to stay quiet about politics as I was always told my opinions were stupid. I couldn't talk about the things that interested me as his life was the only thing that was important to him. I can't let that happen again. I know now that I am strong and would not let that happen. But not too many guys like that. They want this perfect person who has no emotions. Most don't want to really know who you are, who you really are. They want the superficial outside and the inside to stay to themselves. I'm not against men in any way. I love men. I'm not against love. I would love to be loved. But only if it is a love for the whole of me, for the good and the bad and everything that I am. I don't want a love that I have to hide parts of me. I want to be whole and loved for that. Well, that's my "freewrite". More than anybody needs to know about me. But.....this is me. The rambling goofball.
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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 21, 2005 12:59:36 GMT -5
We love ya just the same H
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Post by lilacJ on Mar 21, 2005 13:05:13 GMT -5
H, that one truly hit the spot! So many times I've sat realising that I was lost for 6 years of my life, 6 years pleasing them, and putting myself away, locking me into a corner of my mind, never allowing me out..... Today, as I sit here and type this, 2 years later, I am only at the brink of releasing me into my life again..... I've started to feel my own soul, for the first time in 8 long grueling years! It gets easier by the day. It helps, but pains me to think we're not alone...... {{{HUGS}}}
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Post by Halo on Mar 21, 2005 13:13:51 GMT -5
It gets easier by the day. It helps, but pains me to think we're not alone...... {{{HUGS}}} Yea, it slowly gets better day by day, inch by inch, but I still have days where it pains me and hurts to no end wondering why I let it happen for so long. How I could let it happen and lose so many years of myself. And then when you slip up, it's so hard to forgive yourself because you know you never wanted to go back there and for a moment you did. Yea, it hurts me to know that others have had the same experience. It's something you wouldn't wish on anyone. But in a rather selfish way, it's comforting to know you are not alone. Because that is the hardest part, thinking you are alone. Thanks lilac.
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Post by lilacJ on Mar 21, 2005 13:28:23 GMT -5
Yea, it slowly gets better day by day, inch by inch, but I still have days where it pains me and hurts to no end wondering why I let it happen for so long. How I could let it happen and lose so many years of myself. And then when you slip up, it's so hard to forgive yourself because you know you never wanted to go back there and for a moment you did. Yea, it hurts me to know that others have had the same experience. It's something you wouldn't wish on anyone. But in a rather selfish way, it's comforting to know you are not alone. Because that is the hardest part, thinking you are alone. Thanks lilac. It's almost like you feel there is the slightest chance that things will change, that there is someone good inside the person, and you try so hard to help them through and they keep eating away at every ounce of your flesh you give.... you can't blame yourself, or be angry at you for trying to make the best out of what you thought or knew in your heart was something you would eventually have no control over.... I changed completely, and after kicking them both out, respectively, on their asses, did I start to realise that I'd gone, I was someone I didn't know. It's taken this long to find me again. I swear I'm not losing me again. We're here for each other, music brings us together, and MJK has brought us together to share and work through our life's trials and tribulations..... We will overcome this, and one day the right one will love us for who we are.... we just gotta hang in there hun!
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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 21, 2005 13:30:51 GMT -5
Don't fear ladies, the man of your dreams is right here in this board(me)! hahaha Just kidding. I'm a shallow idiot. And not that good looking. But I bet I just made you laugh!!
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Post by lilacJ on Mar 21, 2005 13:35:58 GMT -5
Don't fear ladies, the man of your dreams is right here in this board(me)! hahaha Just kidding. I'm a shallow idiot. And not that good looking. But I bet I just made you laugh!! See H I told ya! And he's young enough to be trained....... ROFL! j/k vog da'ling!
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Post by voiceofgod on Mar 21, 2005 13:37:36 GMT -5
Train? What am I a dog....no wait don't anwser that cause knowing your smart asses you'll say yes. Leave it up to you take a nice joke and make me feel empty about it. HAHAHAHA TOTALLY KIDDING! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! ;D
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